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Old 4th November 2016, 22:39
Brandon DeLarge

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Little Johnny Horner sat in the corner eating a pizza pie. He shit pepperoni, blew his friend Tony, and wiped his mouth on his tie
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Old 12th November 2016, 06:14
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Three guys walk into a bar...you would think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
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Old 15th November 2016, 04:42
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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


Little Mary and her mother are at the zoo. Mary sees two monkeys mating and points to them and says "mommy, what are those gorillas doing?" Mom thinks for a minute and says "um... they're frying fish honey" so then they go into the zoo a little more, and then Mary sees two pandas mating and asks "mommy, what are those pandas doing?" Mom says "they're frying fish honey, remember what we saw with the monkeys?" Later on that evening when they get home, Mom and Dad disappear into their bedroom for a little bit. When mom comes back down, Mary asks "mommy, what were you and daddy doing in there?" mom says "we were frying fish honey." Mary says "well, you still have some tartar sauce on your lip."
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Old 6th January 2017, 01:53
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Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
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Old 7th April 2017, 01:35
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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
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Old 2nd May 2017, 02:51
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An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m American.”


We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just came up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
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Old 15th May 2017, 05:08
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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

A friend had been chatting with a minor on the internet. Now she tells him she is an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age!

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If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don't worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.
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Old 20th June 2017, 04:38
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
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