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Old 20th August 2012, 17:24
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An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
at the first man on his right.
The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
Fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
"It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!
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Old 20th August 2012, 22:05
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These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was
great But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
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Old 21st August 2012, 09:54
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Brain Study....
It takes a few seconds ... We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen words read with numbers. If you can read this you have a strong mind.

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17.

B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
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Old 21st August 2012, 10:37
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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
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Old 21st August 2012, 13:20
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A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
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Old 21st August 2012, 18:46
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A guy goes to his doctor complaining of a red rash on his pee pee. The doctor gave him some pills and told the guy to come back in 3 days if the rash hasn't cleared up.

Three days later the guy returned to the doctor.

The doctor asked if the pills had cleared up the rash and when the guy said "no", the doctor prescribed some medicine and again told the guy to return in 3 days if the rash hadn't cleared up.

Sure enough 3 days later the guy returned to the doctor, complaining that nothing seems to get rid of the rash. The doctor leaned down and opened the drawer in his desk and pulled out a small bottle of liquid.

He gave it to the guy and told him to go into the cubicle and try rubbing the liquid on his pee pee. The guy did as the doctor asked and was amazed that the rash cleared up instantly.

The guy turned to the doctor and said "Wow doc, that was marvellous, what on earth was in that bottle?". The doctor replied "lipstick remover!"
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Old 21st August 2012, 19:07
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Old 21st August 2012, 23:00
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NBA

Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living
at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious) And, as if
that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several
weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the lock-out. But now you
can help! For about $684.93 a day--that's less than the cost of a large
screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain
economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no
means solves the problem, as it only totals the yearly league minimum,
but it's a start.

$2000.00 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but
to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation
spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two
thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage
payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will
almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to
buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a
new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k),
real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.
You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million
lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this
program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned. For a signed
photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who
just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know
your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a
special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected
expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference
is checked below:
{ } Starter
{ } Reserve
{ } Star*
{ } Superstar**
{ } Entire team***
{ } I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $684.93 per day for a reserve
player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a
picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my
very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

{ } MasterCard { } Visa { } American Express
{ } DiscoverCard { } Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now
to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited
to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind
that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy
enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes,
contributions are not tax-deductible.
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Old 22nd August 2012, 06:38
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Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up
against the tree.

With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to
the tree, stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy,
walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says... "Sweetie, this
just isn't your day."
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Old 22nd August 2012, 08:08
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A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

############################################################
MOD NOTE: this thread is both awesome and huge so has been split into two threads with this part being closed and continued in the new Freakzilla's Joke Thread II
Last edited by smallwoodenruler; 19th August 2014 at 00:17. Reason: Mod Note
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