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Old 13th February 2008, 07:43
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This *******-year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog
on a string behind him, slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter,
and says "i want one of your women."

the madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit young
for that?"

he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "i want one
of your women."

the madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty
minutes."

he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have
active herpes."

the madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred
on the counter and says "active herpes." she responds, "okay, have a
seat-
it'll be about ten minutes."

ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this
dead frog) and do their deal...

as he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone
with active herpes?" the kid replies...

when i get home, i'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom and
dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on the way.
and when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and fuck.
and
tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and
mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
Last edited by King_Tut; 13th February 2008 at 12:54. Reason: Jokes that contains minors are not encouraged for posting.
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Old 13th February 2008, 07:44
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Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secr

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
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Old 13th February 2008, 07:45
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Rules for Playing Bedroom Golf

1. The player will furnish his own
equipment for play, normally one
club, and two balls.

2. Owner of the course must
approve equipment before play
may begin.

3. Unlike regular golf, the object of
the game is to get the club into the
hole, while keeping the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club
should have a firm shaft. The
course owner may check the
stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.

5. Course owner reserves the right
to restrict the shaft length, so as to
avoid damage to the course.

6. The object of the game is to
take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.

7. Players are cautioned to play
the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.

8. It is considered bad form to
begin playing the hole immediately
upon arriving at the course.
Experienced players will admire
the course, paying special attention
to the well formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to
mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to
the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have
been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.

10. Players should not assume a
course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation.
Most advanced players find
alternate means of play when this
is the case.

11. It is considered outstanding
form to play the hole several times
in one match.

12. Course owners shall be the
judge of who is the best player.

13. It is considered bad form to
reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the
course.

14. Players are encouraged to
bring proper rain gear for their
own protection.

15. Players should assure
themselves that their match has
been properly scheduled;
particularly when a new course is
being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known
to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they
consider to be a private course.

16. Players are advised to obtain
course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

17. Slow play is encouraged.
However, players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the
owners request.
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Old 13th February 2008, 07:46
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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Yes, I once fucked a parrot
and I was wondering if you were my son . . . "
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Old 20th February 2008, 00:00
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A man, returning home a day early from a
business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight.
While enroute to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspected his wife was
having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the
cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the
husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the
lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with
another man. The husband put a gun to
the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This
man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He
paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin
cruiser. He paid for your season Detroit
Lion's tickets. He paid for our house
at the lake. He paid for our
country club membe rship, and he even
pays the monthly dues." He paid for the new
Harley Davidson motorcycle you are riding.

Shaking his head from side-to-side the
husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and
said, "What would you do? "



The cabby replied; " I'd cover his ass
with that blanket before he
catches a cold."
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Old 20th February 2008, 21:36
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Marriage


A man and his wife were having some problems at

home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the

man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and

LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00

am' He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover

it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to

go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of

paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'




#2
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:


'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what

time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner

to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll

go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies

and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'


His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me. Just

understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night

....whether you're here or not.'



#3
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight

at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And

you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.


After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides

to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many

rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long

to answer the phone?'


She says, 'I was in bed.'


'In bed this early, doing what?'


'Getting a second opinion!'
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Old 20th February 2008, 23:07
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MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX


The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
> her with no hard feelings.
>2. Nothing improves with age.
>3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
> it'll never be quite the same again.
>4. Sex has no calories.
>5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
> trouble.
>6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
>7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
>8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
>9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
> or how long it is going to last.
>10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
>11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
>12. Virginity can be cured.
>13. When a man's wife learns how to understand him, she usually stops
> listening to him.
>14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
>15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
> ones she can't stand years later.
>16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
>17. It is always the wrong time of the month.
>18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
>19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
>20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
> won't either.
>21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
> failure.
>22. The younger the better.
>23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
>24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
> the trouble in the garden.
>25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
>26. (was omitted from the list..dunno why)
>27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
>28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
> But there is nothing exactly like it.
>29. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
>30. Love is a hole in the heart.
>31. If the effort that went into the research on the female bosom had gone
> into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the
> moon.
>32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
>33. Do it only with the best.
>34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
> words to convey its full meaning.
>35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
>36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
>37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
>39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
>40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
>41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
>42. Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
>43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women
> he couldn't.
>44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
>45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
>46. Never say no.
>47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
>48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
>49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
>50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
>51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
>52. Love comes in spurts.
>53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
>54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
> unimportant.
>55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
>56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
>57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
> love.
>58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
>59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
>60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
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Old 20th February 2008, 23:12
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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from
the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker,
says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever
seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride?”

“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
bring news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

”Biker gang member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch.”
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Old 20th February 2008, 23:15
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> A beer is always wet.
> > A pussy needs encouragement.
> > Advantage: Beer.
> >
> > A beer tastes horrible served hot.
> > A pussy tastes better served hot.
> > Advantage: Pussy.
> >
> > Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
> > Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
> > Advantage: Beer.
> >
> > Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
> > Pussy does not.
> > Advantagepush
> >
> > If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
> > Advantage:Pussy
> >
> > 24 beers come in a box.
> > A pussy is a box you can come in.
> > Advantage:Pussy.
> >
> > Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
> > Advantage:Pussy.
> >
> > If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
> > Advantage: Beer.
> >
> > If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
> > If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
> > Advantage: Beer.
> >
> > 6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
> > 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
> > Advantage:Pussy
> >
> > Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
> > Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
> > Advantagepush
> >
> > It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
> game.
> > You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
> > Advantage:Pussy
> >
> > If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
> > If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
> > Advantage:Pussy
> >
> > With beer, bigger is better.
> > Advantage: beer.
> >
> > Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
> > Advantage: beer.
> >
> > Pussy can make you see God.
> > Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
> > Advantage: Pussy
> >
> > If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
> > If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
> > Advantage:Pussy
> >
> > Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
> > Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
> > Advantage: Pussy.
> >
> > If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
> > If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
> > Advantagepush
> >
> > If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
> > If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
> > Advantage:Beer.
> >
> > If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
> > Advantage: beer.
> >
> > The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
> > Advantage: Pussy.
> >
> > The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
> > Advantage: Beer.
> >
> > Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
> > Bad pussy:Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
> > Advantagepush
> >
> > Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
> > Good pussy:Almost all but the above.
> > Advantage:Pussy.
> >
> > The government taxes beer.
> > Advantage:Pussy.
> >
> > It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
> > Advantage: Pussy.
Last edited by FREAKZILLA; 20th February 2008 at 23:17.
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Old 20th February 2008, 23:19
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Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco;
one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays.
Who got there first and why?



The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole
way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.
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